I wrote pretty much all this material over a year ago when I was feeling like no one in this world could ever give in to being with something like me. It was a time when the wind blew and I stood outside holding my mouth open to catch anything that came in. It's like that time was something where part of my being had given up. But I'm happy not to feel like that anymore, at least not today. I'm not an easy person, not because I'm difficult, but because.... well, yeah.

Discobelle premiered our new video for "Better Off Alone" too.

Labels: 3, boyfriend, discobelle, jorge cruz, monamiejorge, the knife, WEARE18

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I didn't want to talk about this in public, let alone to rant about this in a public space because I feel like it's only the business of those around me but almost three weeks ago John broke up with me out of the blue. And from then I've just been trying to grasp and understand what happened and what needs to happen. I mean it was only that weekend that we were together and he was asking me to go to a movie and chinese, to buying tickets to go to Michigan together, to him asking me that we need to talk. I feel like I don't need to get into details because they really don't matter. Whatever problems we had were minimal, or at least could have been worked out and like he had told me at the mall under an uncensored filter, he already knew what he wanted to get out of the conversation he was opening up with me -- even if he did say he wanted to work through everything.

I think what I'm trying to preserve is the most amazing and most beautiful time that I've ever spent with anybody. The connection that grew out of an actual realness, one that I'll never forget and one that I don't want to forget either. In the beginning I was just trying to make sense of what occurred and why and today, like last Sunday when we met, I completely understood why. Nothing I could have been, said or done, would have ever been enough for this person because they were not ready for anything I (or anyone had to offer them). I of course had glints of this throughout but I felt like it wasn't ever anything that was going to turn into what even eventually occurred.

I tried speaking to him a week after we ended, I even put myself in a vulnerable position, and he kept giving me resentment, anguish, and bitterness towards me the whole way through. I was just looking for answers, just looking to really understand. And on Sunday when we finally had our last hoorah even then he kept talking to me as if he wanted to hurt me and break me or at least make me upset with him so I could hate him, or resent him. Possibly he was even trying to convince himself, and his ego, that placing the blame on me would absolve his own self-interest in ending what we had. But the truth is I would rather he just say that he needed to go, regardless of anything, than to keep trying to preserve what we had by putting myself in a position of hurt. I didn't want to digest some of the things he said to me on our last day, because they hurt. I was spoken to in ways not even people who despise me have ever spoken to me. I don't actually think I've ever had anyone in my life try to make me feel as low as he tried to bring me. Which he probably can't even realize or acknowledge because this is his way of running away from me, and his feelings for me. As we finished being together and experiencing each others bodies for the last time, I sensed his pain and frustrations through my spirit. I felt the glare in his eyes when I caught what used to be the look of of the one whose eyes once twinkled by something as simple as me sitting besides him.

I respect having to go to figure yourself out, but I can't be in the crossfire of that process. It's not that I'm not strong enough, rather it's that we had never had that sort of treatment between us, and that's not something I want to remember him by. And I know that's not who he even is.

I decided to just release myself, and me from him, today. Because I don't want to be the person he blames for at night for anything. I don't want to be the punching bag, or the excuse for someones decision.

I wish he could just accept the love he has for me, and the love he had to let go. I wish he was strong enough to accept his decision without trying to make me feel like shit in order for him to rationalize it as a logical choice.

He had his tumblr tracked, and pretty much saw that I would still visit it, but it wasn't for the reasons he thinks I was probably going on it for. Truth is: I love him, and will always think of him and smile ear to ear (and do) when I bring up anything we did because I harbor nothing but greatness in my heart for him. Truth is: I was going on to see how he was, and how it was going. Truth is: I've accepted that if I truly love someone that I have to let them go to let them grow even if it pains me not to be the one they come home to at night. Truth is: I miss us but I would hate to keep him if he has somewhere to go. Truth is: I miss my cats and the place that we called home. Truth is: I wish I had never heard the negative things that left his mouth. and the truth is that as much as he wishes to ascribe and jump to conclusion to the things in my heart, that I still don't hate him, nor do I want to, so I have to go. I have to go far away so he doesn't learn to hate me and abhor the very sight of the face he kissed at night. The face that just one month ago who he wanted to buy flowers for, but rather gave me some from a trash bag in Chinatown because I didn't let him buy me any because I didn't want him spending the money.  I have to away to preserve the fading warmth that lingers in his heart for the person that milked his tits, or pulled his hair, or ran my face up against like a giant obnoxious wildcat. I have to go away so that he doesn't learn to trick his thoughts into thinking that all our memories were dark ones. It was one month ago that we were in NY and that I was learning that I was actually falling in love with him, the place where tonight we would have had our Valentines day dinner, where we made love in Staten Island, and where we fat girl'd about bagels.

He redirected his tumblr, to my IP, to an allure website about learning how to stop stalking your ex online. But the fact that he even has been monitoring for who comes and goes shows that it's a two way street.

Like I said in the car before I was about to leave him, and as our hands unheld that cold night, I will always love him and the most beautiful thing in this world is to have someone who loves you always rooting for you. And I'll always root for him, and the people around me will too. But I have to go away, not for me, but for you. I have to go away, and if you read ever this, know that I will always care about whether or not you are okay, whether or not people are treating you alright, whether or not you're eating well and whether or not my two fat cats are happy. I'll always care, and for my sake, I hope you do too.

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