Thursday, February 4, 2016 Y 6:06 PM

I don't know which way I woke up today -- but I woke up feeling repulsed. I feel repulsed by what I've allowed myself to become.

You know all those articles about how women are constantly apologetic for how intelligent, creative, and successful they are? Well who would have thought I out of all people would be living like that! I feel like I'm always biting my tongue and not expressing all my inner and outer true colors because I fear that my friends, family, and people in general will feel alienated by me. As if the things I do; or  the way I live my life, etc. would make others uncomfortable and I feel like a sack of shit I think for allowing myself to do that because I've allowed people like that around me. I have too many people around me still to this day that feel bad about themselves once I begin talking about whatever I'm working on; or the things I've achieved; or even the dreams that I have.

Out of any conversation that I have with most people now I barely utter anything about my professional life because I've digested this irrational fear to the point where I couldn't even identify what the fuck was going on with me. I literally was asking myself why it was that people didn't understand who I was or what I was doing -- and that's because I've never fully expressed it!

I work like a god damn dog to achieve my dreams and I sacrifice so fucking much and now I've even not been able to digest my own achievements because I fear internalizing my success and expressing that as the kind of person that I am.

I feel like in many ways the circles that I am in all clash, and they all don't make any sense to the platform that I'm actually living in. And that's part of why I can't make sense of anything anymore. I've started to feel manic! I literally have stepped my pussy up so much in part because I can't accept anything that I've done anymore -- which has lead to me feeling like I'm failing all the time.

I don't have any friends that I can talk about my success, my fears, or anything relating to my life because everyone shuts me down and I used to feel like it was my fault because I was gloating to them. Like how are my problems any valid? How is my concern relating to producing a brand new album and wondering how things will pan out in the press any important? But they are! My life has validity and I have to accept that. And fuck everyone who has made me feel this way.

In so many ways I've gaslighted myself, and I carry the guilt and ownership of what I've allowed to manifest into my life. If you can't handle the fact that I'm trying hard to make my life happen -- and feel bad because of whatever problem you haven't dealt with your own ego -- please take a sharp turn to the fucking left and get out of my life.

I'm not a victim, but I'm also fed up. I remember in 2011 when I had a lot going on in my favor in regards to my life as an artist and I had most people on my Facebook/life turn away from me. And I think it began then. And today 2016, as I'm on the verge of leaving for my tour and I sit here and ponder how can I be a star when I'm dulling myself so I don't turn anyone away.

And I'm not letting that happen anymore.


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