Sunday, June 5, 2016 Y 6:33 PM
2. Anksioznost 03:51
3. Nerimas [Interlude] 00:31
4. Anxiété 02:16
5. Anxietatea 15:55
6. Ansia [Interlude] 00:07
7. Ängistus 03:23
8. Ansiedad 02:24
9. Vita 03:25
Well maybe writing about this EP is a bit too close to home at the moment, but, it's been out. Not that long but I released this almost a month right after my very first EP and this one was nerve wrecking for me. The entire time I almost felt like I didn't even the process of making it because in a way I've almost crashed. I'm almost at a 2011 super depressed state of mind, but yet, I'm not. I'm in a different place. I'm living a post utopia world, and in many ways struggling with myself, my placement, my existence, my autonomy, etc.
I've always heard people talk about themselves and combating themselves and in so many ways even when I was much more mentally ill -- I was never my own worst enemy. I can never say I woke up hating myself, or sabotaging myself. And today, I'm almost sharing the island with another person that I'm trying to get to know.
I think I'm understanding for sure that I'm at the crossroads between the stages of my own life, and it's noisy, it's difficult, and it's something alien to me. And for me this EP, if anything, fully sonically embodies this mental traffic that is bypassing me. I'm so happy, and I'm so thankful for it all, but yet, I feel like a failure now more than I've ever felt like it before. And it's stupid, I know. And that voice of reason still hasn't lost hope or faith in myself.
But I just feel this way now. I just feel like nothing I do makes me happy anymore, I feel like I'm just existing. I feel like I'm the happiest I've ever been and at the same time so conflicted with bullshit, but it's just all this static noise that doesn't escape me, this traffic that consumes me, and I'm living in a duality that I've lost control of -- and I don't know. I just don't know what is happening but it's happening and I'm trying, and that's all I can do. And even that to me is hard, because I don't think I'm ever trying hard enough. So, that's what this EP is for me and yesterday, June 4, 2016 -- I shot the music video for the track, "Vita", which is the closing track off of this EP.
As I was watching it I felt so melancholic. In so many ways the video is acknowledging the beauty around me, and honoring the amazing powers in my life, and on the other hand it's like I'm trying to prove to myself just how beautiful it all is. The video is just so representative of my feelings right now, and how I wish to record this moment of my life for myself. But it's tough, and I do need help. And I'm trying, but this is life, and it's just going to go by anyways -- so, I'm trying. I'm keeping myself occupied, and I'm not trying to just throw the baby with the bath water. But it is, and it isn't and I'm me and I'm not, and it's all noise, and it's all traffic, and I'm just going by the motion and playing it by ear. I don't have answers, all I have are emotions, and all I can do at this moment in time is keep the door and window open and try to keep myself open.
Y 6:13 PM
1. Echk Mcfuwfeen 08:01
2. Symphawneek #9 07:23
3. WDIg2g? 05:41
4. Ya-Ya 05:01
5. Tdrippppz 02:41
6. Wuyrship 03:32
Back when I was in NY earlier this year I was sitting with a friend I remembering him recounting a bit of his own regret for not learning how to produce music, even though, he had always been in the sessions... I think it's still hard for me to accept that I'm even in the music industry -- or anything really, LOL. #mentalissues
But I really have for the most part for the beginning of the year began to in a way gather up a sense of my own aggression for at the very least not even trying to learn or experiment with making my own music. I think for a while it was because I was told I had no rhythm when I was in 4th grade and trying to learn the saxophone (it was also my very first time trying to even play anything). I also never understood notes, or anything like that. So I think I just never thought I was even worthy of trying or anything because I felt like I had no business trying. Which in today's modern world is stupid for me to think. So stupid, but regardless, I'm not one to limit myself, right?
Well sometimes, like in this case, I just avoid the issue altogether and eventually later give in to my own curiosities. So even though this EP isn't necessarily my very first piece of music to have been out -- it's the first time I've taken myself to construct something from scratch, or in some cases, to learn to manipulate machines and computer stuff, to get the results I want.
So after seeing Leo give up on a video game, I just pushed myself to make something. And what I came out with was this and a remix for our band which will be out later in June.
Noehze for me was a lot about playing, constructing, deconstructing, and just trying to make things that are just more playful and experimental. I feel like so much about the music that I even manage, or am surrounded by is made with the purpose of being enjoyed and played and monetized, but for me I literally just wanted to make something with no expectations. I was just having fun! What a concept! Of course later my anxieties began to overtake me and some songs were sad, and yes, they are talking about things I'm going through at this moment, but overall this first EP was about just expressing myself through music production.
I received a lot of extremely nice feedback for this EP, for which I am super thankful. And yes I forgot to post about this when it came out because I'm going through a stage in my life right now where I feel worthless and am just mass producing a lot of work and trying to cope with myself and what I've been going through the past couple of months, so.... I'm sorry lol.
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